Connecting the dots

About 12 years ago, an old friend gave me a book with daily reflections. Unfortunately, I cannot remember the name of the book or even the author but I can vividly recollect the feelings it provoked. It was the first time I was super conscious of the life I lived. I thought to myself, when I die how do I wish to be remembered? That scared the shit out of me because parts of me were mean, sarcastic, bitter, lost, naïve, immature, complacent and self-centered. I knew work needed to be done. I knew the journey would not be easy and that I would not always have the support of those closest to me. I prepared myself for the challenges that were on the horizon and I was open to a mature, better version of myself. Along the way, there were three major moments that really helped me to put things into perspective and helped me to connect the dots.

At nineteen something rocked my world in a way that I think still

affects me to date. They say loss gets easier with time but I don’t necessarily agree. I think you just become a little more immune to the pain you feel but it’s always there. When a memory crosses your mind you get lost in it, in the midst of a major celebration you feel a void; when their name comes up in a conversation you have an out-of-body experience, or when you hear a song in church that reminds you of them you fight your hardest to keep the waterworks at bay. The pain of loss lingers, even as I write my eyes are moist because my mother's words, previously said in anger, stings more than ever now,

“Don’t miss me when ah dead”.

But how could I not!? I still get pissed off that the Big C was responsible for taking her away from me. I hate cancer! There I said it! Just weeks after her official diagnosis, her health rapidly deteriorated. Then on August 22nd, 2010 I received the call I feared most. I really felt like the world was at a standstill as grief began to envelop my body. I remember thinking she was so exuberant just a few weeks ago and in a split second all I was left with were pictures- and I don’t even have that many of us. Did I mention how much I hate cancer! This is the first dot.

About two years after my mother passed away, I specifically remember thinking that there had to be more to life than eating, sleeping, going to work; repeat. That's when I seriously started to encountered Christ. I grew up in church but it was very ritualistic to me and I did not understand the significance. Quite frankly, I also found no pleasure in doing low-intensity workouts every Sunday- sitting, standing, kneeling, and bowing. At one point in time, I stopped going altogether as I was angry at God and could not fathom why He didn’t answer my prayers to keep my mother around. In the midst of my hurt, I got a strong calling to truly get to know God. I was also in a hella toxic relationship at this time, but I’m not ready to share this part of my journey yet, but just know it was B.A.D. I knew I had to dip out when I got confirmation at a revival. The speaker said, “I do marriage counseling, and four out of five couples have war in the north, east, west and south.” This resonated with me and I knew things needed to change rapido. Why you may ask this stuck with me; because the person I was with had bought rings and was going to ask me to marry them, which I found out. I was holding on to a dream of being married at a young age so I stayed in that relationship until I realized sometimes it's better to just cut your losses than make a mistake that would last a lifetime.

I’m building up to the second dot, don’t worry. So, what really helped me to come out of that situation was God. I credit it all to Him

because I really did not know my worth until I experienced the outpouring of love I received from being faithful. Doors that were shut began to open, strongholds were removed and the better version of myself that I wanted to become came more effortlessly. Change is hard eh, but the saving power of God can really take anyone and anything...and I mean anyone and anything...and raise them up. I felt real love, like unconditional love, like a love I didn't even think I deserved for the first time in my life and I wanted to pass that on to everyone I met. I remember being so zealous and even a tad bit extreme. In time I had to learn to see others through the lens that Jesus saw me and that was and still is difficult. That newfound joy and peace led me down a path where I desired to be of service to others. I left my job in the corporate world and began working with a religious-based organization to better serve God’s people. I made a commitment from that time that wherever I go and whatever I do, service to God’s people would always come first. This is my second dot.

Third and final dot- 2020; need I say more? Lol, if that year didn’t wake me up then I don’t know what else would have done it, oui. In 2020, the year that popularized the statement, 'unprecedented times’, demanded that I become more in a short period of time. You see, I left my job at the religious-based organization in the early part of 2020 before CV19 and was headed to something that I perceived to be a better opportunity. Before I even had a chance to work one day in that new role, the company, which I will not call, rescinded their offer of employment because someone on their hiring team, and I quote, 'made a mistake'. This was revealed to me three days before I was due to report to work there. Mind you, my resignation was already submitted, I already had my farewell lunch, and my old job sent out a company email to all their stakeholders saying I will no longer be with that organization...so yuh know I was livid when I got that call from company X. I had a mini panic attack because so many thoughts flooded my mind. In hindsight, I see the good Lord wanted it that way. I now had a choice to either give up and be defeated or to dig deep and keep going. Can you guess which one I chose? Needless to say, I stayed true to my commitment and remained on a path of providing service. Presently, I help to equip people with the tools to effectively manage their financial resources and I honestly would not have it any other way.

So what's up with the dots? Steve Jobs in his wisdom said,

“You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.”

Those three major events highlighted the importance of preparation, service and resilience, which are virtues that I implement and pass on to others on a daily basis. The loss of my mother showed me how important it is to treasure people while they are here. It also taught me about the significance of maintaining one’s dignity in dire situations, which is why I am so passionate about helping people put things in place for such events. Life happens and when it does the best we can do is be prepared. Then there is my renewed relationship with Christ, which has helped me to look at the world, not through my own lens but, through the eyes of Christ- with love. I am still learning because I am no where perfect but I am closer than I was before. I have also learnt to be a humble servant as that is the truest display of love. Additionally, the year 2020 has demonstrated how necessary it is to trust the process. If it wasn’t for that major derailment of what I thought to be my ideal trajectory, I wouldn't even be writing this blog and I would have missed out on all the meaningful connections I've made over the past two years. When the dust from the earlier part of 2020 had settled, I saw things for what they were- major opportunities for growth. So far I am enjoying the ride and remain open to the other adventures that God has in store for me. I know that there are a lot of other dots that I have to connect along the way but now I truly understand that all things work together for good and that life will leave you clues along the way. What is your life saying to you and how do you wish to be remembered?